Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Watertown: January 10, 1959

Tonight Daniel and I went to a Frankenstein show, and then to a crummy dance which we left in a hurry. We drove around for a while and finally parked. Everything was really at its peak tonight. For a while we mostly talked – about serious things. Really, I can say anything to him. We talked about Barbara, birth control, what a hicky is, and about us. We started talking about what we saw in each other and I asked him why he was going with me. He said, “Because I love you.” I really didn't know what to say. But I can hardly believe he really does. He just thinks he does and wants what goes along with it. I think I love him, but I’m not sure, because I just don’t want to do it all. I guess it’s just that I don’t love him that much. But then he started kissing me and whispering in my ear, “Julie, I love you. Please?” Oh God, it kept getting harder and harder to say no, and I started getting so scared. But I just kept kissing him and kissing him – I just couldn't help it. Then finally I said I had to go home, so we did. I was just shaking and praying as hard as I could that God would never let me do it. (Getting pretty religious lately, aren't I?) I asked him if he was scared, and he said, “Of what?” I said, “Of what might happen.” He said, “Nothing will happen, Julie. Don’t be scared.” But I was actually shaking and he knew it, too. Then he walked me up to the door and kissed me goodnight so tenderly and whispered, “Good night, Julie.” I nearly died. I’m still shaking a little. God I hope nothing happens to me. Yet he says most everybody does it, and he knows. I don’t want to do it for moral reasons, yet sometimes I’m not exactly sure what those morals are. I hope I find out soon.

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