Watertown: January 11, 1959

I was with Daniel all day today. He was over here watching me do dishes and stuff, and he said, “You’d make somebody a good wife.” I sure hope so – that’s my main aim in life, I think. I ate supper over at his house – it was fun. Then afterwards we went out and – parked. I was stronger tonight. We really talked a lot. I questioned and argued with him a lot and – you know, I really think he does love me pretty much. We talk a lot about sex any more – but I can talk with him about anything and never get embarrassed.

Watertown: January 10, 1959

Tonight Daniel and I went to a Frankenstein show, and then to a crummy dance which we left in a hurry. We drove around for a while and finally parked. Everything was really at its peak tonight. For a while we mostly talked – about serious things. Really, I can say anything to him. We talked about Barbara, birth control, what a hicky is, and about us. We started talking about what we saw in each other and I asked him why he was going with me. He said, “Because I love you.” I really didn't know what to say. But I can hardly believe he really does. He just thinks he does and wants what goes along with it. I think I love him, but I’m not sure, because I just don’t want to do it all. I guess it’s just that I don’t love him that much. But then he started kissing me and whispering in my ear, “Julie, I love you. Please?” Oh God, it kept getting harder and harder to say no, and I started getting so scared. But I just kept kissing him and kissing him – I just couldn't help it. Then finally I said I had to go home, so we did. I was just shaking and praying as hard as I could that God would never let me do it. (Getting pretty religious lately, aren't I?) I asked him if he was scared, and he said, “Of what?” I said, “Of what might happen.” He said, “Nothing will happen, Julie. Don’t be scared.” But I was actually shaking and he knew it, too. Then he walked me up to the door and kissed me goodnight so tenderly and whispered, “Good night, Julie.” I nearly died. I’m still shaking a little. God I hope nothing happens to me. Yet he says most everybody does it, and he knows. I don’t want to do it for moral reasons, yet sometimes I’m not exactly sure what those morals are. I hope I find out soon.

January 9, 1959

Today Daniel and I kept looking at each other and then we’d start laughing, just remembering the crazy night last night. I think it meant a lot to him, too. But I know I sure like him a lot now. The Juniors went to South Shore this afternoon. Sure missed him (Daniel). Tonight we went down to the game with Karbas (at Huron). There was Loretta, Irma, Mary Ann, Colleen, Mary Kay, and me. It was an absolute riot! All except for the game. It was so close and terribly exciting all the way. At the end we were one point behind with three seconds to go. Tom McGrann shot a long one that bounced off the rim. Oh, everybody was crying so hard (including me.) Afterwards we formed a double line for the team to walk through to the bus, and we were yelling cheers and everything. I think we've got the most school spirit of any school, and we’re really proud of it. The players were all crying afterwards, too. They’re all such wonderful guys. We’re really proud of ‘em. We will beat Huron next time – and at the tournament! I think our team really deserves it.

January 8, 1959

Oh Lord, what a day! (I skipped yesterday, since I was sick and nothing happened – except Daniel came and saw me in my shortie pajamas and all the fellas heard about it – Embarrassing? Man!)

Well, tonight Daniel came up to get me and wanted to go to the show, but I was supposed to go to choir so I wouldn't. But anyway, we went out in the country and stopped a little. It was so nice, ‘til all of a sudden his hands got where they shouldn't be, and I told him to quit it. He got real mad (I never will let him do anything) and said he was getting sick of this. He took me to choir without another word.

But he picked me up after choir and we parked on the side of our house. We didn't say hardly a word for about a half hour. Then finally he said, “Do you just want to call the whole thing off?” I thought about it a little, although I knew darn well what I would answer. I said, “No – do you?” He didn't answer for a long time, and then finally said, “Yes.” I nearly fainted, really. The funniest feeling ran through me and I started sweating all over. Oh, it was terrible. I just sat there stunned for a little while and then gave him his ring back and started getting out. Then he sort of bent over me and said, “You’re not mad?” I can’t remember anything I said after that, except I kept asking him why he wanted to break up, and he wouldn't give me a reason. We talked about it quite a bit more, and I was nearly crying all the time. And, oh, I never wanted to touch him or kiss him so bad in my life. Then finally he put the ring back on my finger and kissed me. Oh, I was so happy! We sat there kissing for a while, and then we started back on the old subject with his question, “Why won’t you give in?” So we sat and discussed that the rest of the night. And he told me of all the kids he knew of that had done stuff. But the most shocking thing of all was that he told me all about him and Barbara. I had honestly believed they hadn't done anything. And he said that all the time he hated her. Oh, sometimes boys are so fickle. But, I will admit that I learned a lot tonight. And I almost can’t help thinking that it might be better someday if we had broken up. I just pray that it won’t be.

January 6, 1959

Didn't do anything today either – except decide I hate school more than ever! It’s so unutterably boring – and hard. I was supposed to give my formal speech today and had my heels along in a sack. The guys hid them in the algebra room, and when I got down to speech, they told me where they were. So I went running back up to get them. Then the bell rang, and everything was real quick. I saw Daniel down at the end of the hall – he had just gotten them for me. So I yelled at him to wait, and he yelled at me to hurry up. So there we were running down the hall yelling at each other. The halls were empty and it just echoed all over. We came running into the speech room and everyone sat and laughed at us. I was really embarrassed. Then to top it all off, I don’t have to give my speech ‘til tomorrow, so I’ll have to do it all over!

Daniel called me tonight after school, but I wasn't home yet. Probably just to say good-bye. The Juniors are going to Revillo to play tonight.

January 5, 1959

School today – oh I hate it! It’s so utterly boring. And I loved it so before Christmas. Now all the subjects I used to love, I hate. I’m taking Band, Advanced Algebra, Speech, German, Chemistry, and History. Daniel is in three classes, so that’s not so bad. Oh, he was extra friendly today. He would put his arm around my waist or some sweet thing like that all the time. The girl next to me in history just got engaged, and I was trying on her diamond. I held it up for Daniel to see, and he about fell over. He couldn't figure it out. I was up in the physics lab and after school he came up. He sat there trying to get fresh and suggesting not the nicest things in the world. The same old Daniel again – the Daniel I know likes me. And how I like him! Had Job’s tonight. My first time as Honored Queen. Not so bad – I got all the attention. Daniel called tonight. He might go to the Inaugural Ball at Pierre tomorrow night with Judy Gilman. Hope he doesn't  but I don’t care if he does – I know he’ll be true. We made a date tonight for June 7. Can’t wait!

January 4, 1959

 I went to church today, but even with the Communion service, it was very boring. Just sat in bed and read “Marjorie Morningstar” all day. It’s a very good book, not the story especially, but the principle behind it. Daniel called four times, but we didn't talk about anything special, and I didn't accomplish much. Except the last time tonight. He was in a very good mood, and for once it was fun talking to him. He doesn't especially like hardly any of my friends, especially silly Loretta. He doesn't mix very well with strange people – which is what I have to do, so I usually go with him and his friends. For some off reason he asked me to go to the show with him this next weekend. He hardly ever asks that far ahead – if at all – especially when we’re going steady. And he also said he wished I would have gone to Mass with him Christmas Eve. He must've been thinking a lot about me today. Hope so.

January 3, 1959

This morning I saw Carol off on the bus. I nearly cried, and just when she even climbed into the bus I already missed her terribly. She’s really a wonderful girl. I wish I could be more like her. I just sat around for the rest of the day – didn't even hardly do any homework – and I have so much. I’m getting to be a terrible procrastinator. Daniel called just before noon, but we didn't talk about anything special. I can just feel us drifting farther and farther apart. I thought it all out this afternoon and finally decided it would just be better if we quit going steady before we completely destroy what feelings we have left for each other. And I wanted to talk to him about it today, but he never did call again – and on Saturday, too. Then I started playing all our memory records and remembering what wonderful times we've had. Then I started crying and now I can’t stand to think of breaking up. And it’s really honestly painful. Every other word I think is “Daniel, darling.” I better quit now before I start crying again.

January 2, 1959

Carol and I slept over at Susan’s again last night – and of course she told us more stories this time about Alexander the dish and McGillicuty the coleopterist. Then today we went to the show (Bell, Book and Candle) and then went up to Ruth’s to help her clean up after last night. Tonight we went to the game (we beat Aberdeen) and then to the dance. The first part of the dance, Daniel and I really had fun. I’m beginning to think he might be kinda jealous. When I started talking to another boy, he grabs me away, and last night when Jim asked me to dance, he made a face and shook his fist at Jim’s back. There’s lots more, too. Then we went and got some pop and sat down – and something happened. All the life suddenly drained out of him and he hardly said a word to me the rest of the night. I tried to tease him out of it, but he wouldn't pay any attention. Then all of a sudden he asked me, “How are we going to break up?” I said, “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.” I couldn't ask him what he meant by it tonight, but I will tomorrow. He kissed me a bunch of times, but I don’t think he was completely sincere. It’s getting to be mostly habit, I think.

January 1, 1959

Dear Diary,

I’m just going to continue this on from the old diary – if I ever do get it written. Today we got up real late (slept at Woodwards – Carol, Susan, and me) and didn’t have any clothes down there except our party dresses. So we put our jackets over our pajamas and came home in our heels and stuff. Crazy, man. Daniel came up this afternoon and we all went over to Ruth’s to help her get ready for her party tonight. But Daniel and I just sat and held hands on the couch and talked. It was so sweet and wonderful. The first part of the party tonight we had quite fun, but then we just started arguing over the silliest things, and pretty  soon we both got mad, and then weren't together half the time. But at the end there were only a few couples left, and he apologized and everything. Then all the lights went out and we sat on the couch and necked a little. Oh, I loved him so much then. But when we got out in the car, he changed completely again. It was kind of funny – Carol and Gary, Dan and I, took turns watching each other. Then Daniel was showing how Burt Lancaster kissed. It was really funny – but I knew he wasn't really sincere in wanting to kiss me and it ruined the whole night.